09.09.09
RNC picks “teabagger” to rebut President’s education speech
THIS JUST IN:
The RNC has announced that its rebuttal tonight of President Obama’s national address to schoolchildren will be delivered by Hiram Walker Jones, a part-time worker at a 7/11 in Oklahoma. Michael Steele, National Chairman, characterizes the upcoming speech as a “strong statement for parental rights and American public opinion.”
Jones, who dropped out of middle school when he reached age 16 after being held back 3 times, “has been proudly working for corporate America,” said Mitch McConnell, who added that he stands shoulder-to-shoulder with working Americans who are not afraid to stand up for free market principles.
“Jones will speak out against education as a scam that elitist liberals use to cheat their way into positions of power and control over the media. He will also talk about reverse discrimination and reverse racism endemic in the current administration. He will speak about the rights of parents not to have their kids in school lectured to by an uppity black man,” said Rush Limbaugh, when asked for a comment.
“He will come out against socialist policies like universal health care, food stamps, and unemployment compensation, which are breaking the backs of the hardest-working Americans, the wealthy, and creating a nation dependent on government handouts,” said John Boehner, in a statement to the press. “We are proud that an uninsured American like Jones, who has not fallen for liberal lies about health care reform despite having a diabetic child who is unable to see a doctor and a mother who died from cancer last year after her health insurance company rescinded her policy for not telling them her feet hurt after working a double shift at the local truck stop, where she was a waitress, serving proud American truckers, who are the lifeblood of this country.”
Said Betsy McCaughey, “Jones will wisely come out against major changes to the health care system, changes that might result in health care services being provided to the tens of millions undeserving living in our midst.”
A spokesman for the National Heritage Foundation said that real Americans like Jones are showing us that polls do not represent what real Americans really think about the issues. “Real Americans understand that it is necessary to first balance the budget and cut taxes to the wealthy, even if it means increasing taxes to the working poor, eliminating all social services, and a return to debtor’s prisons.”
Jones became involved in the Tea Party movement when he heard about it in April while watching the Glenn Beck show and listening to Rush Limbaugh, as he does daily. He attended the April 15th rally, but was unable to attend a July4th rally, as he couldn’t afford to put gas in his car.
Jones is currently working his shift at the convenience store, and could not be reached for comment. A 7/11 spokesman said that under no circumstances are employees permitted personal calls while at work.
Jones is living with his wife and 3 children in his father’s basement.
