09.26.10

Top 10 Jobs in Upcoming Libertarian Paradise

Posted in Miscellaneous at 1:58 pm by angela

Republished from DailyKos

By Troubadour

Tired of Big Gubmint getting in the way of your entrepreneurial ambition?  Ready to Go Galt and shrug all the welfare queens off your shoulders so you can have the riches you deserve?  Well, I have some great news – there are many unique job opportunities to be had in a small government society that are simply not available in today’s Communist America.  In fact, there are so many that I can only discuss a handful of them here, but they’re more than enough to refute the odious librul myth that people can’t get by without public services.  There is an entire world of opportunity for hard-working people in Libertarian Paradise.

  1. Plague corpse disposal

    PlagueDoctor

    With the CDC no longer wasting taxpayer money rewarding people too lazy to defend themselves against disease, new opportunities would exist in the field of plague corpse disposal.  As a strong, motivated, red-blooded true American, you need not worry about becoming infected yourself – no dirty foreign pathogen is going to corrupt your precious bodily fluids.  But you can earn a living ridding society of the festering reminders of the poor and sickly whom God, in his infinite capitalist wisdom, has seen fit to remove from the society of worthier people.  

  2. Witch detector

    witchhunt

    Despite the infinite blessings of pure capitalism, there would still be plenty of problems in society.  And the cause of those problems, of course, is witchcraft.  Libruls would claim that lack of rational governance is the cause, but that is only because they too are engaged in witchcraft and wish to deflect blame from themselves.  Still, even though the New Libertarian Order would not immediately address the witch problem, it would open up opportunities to enterprising individuals such as yourselves to deal with it and make a tidy profit in the process.  Whenever crops fail from incompetent agricultural practices; whenever someone falls victim to a mysterious illness; whenever the weather is unseasonably inconvenient, there will be business for a witch detector.

  3. Reader

    monty-python-holy-grail

    Now that the socialist school system has been abolished, and people only learn what they need to jockey pictographic cash registers, you can earn a living as a professional reader for occasions where someone needs all those weird-looking symbols on paper interpreted for them.  Granted, literacy is not a very manly or patriotic thing, but as long as you keep it within business hours and don’t go around reading any high-falutin’ books in public, it’s a perfectly decent way to make money.

  4. Bounty hunter

    The Wild Bunch

    With all those oppressive government police forces out of the way, malefactors can be apprehended in a freer, more appropriate way: By mercenary bounty-hunters armed to the teeth and unaccountable to any civil authority.  Sure, you might end up causing more damage to society than the people you apprehend, but what the hell, this ain’t France.

  5. Maker of child-sized coffins

    Small coffin

    In the absence of prenatal care, pediatric medicine, or childcare other than what luck or family inheritance can provide, there will be oodles of little cadavers for the enterprising coffin-maker to serve.  Cholera, whooping cough, measles, pneumonia, influenza…all spells big bucks!  Grieving parents are a very price-tolerant consumer base, and aren’t likely to investigate the particulars of your product – i.e., whether you charge them for mahogany while making it out of plywood.  Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money!

  6. Rat catcher / restaurateur

    Ratburger

    Libruls are always bitching about starving poor people, but watch how crazy they go whenever a rational businessman suggests meeting the demand for food by going to an abundant source of proteins like rats, mice, and insects, among other surplus animals. There would be great opportunities in this domain under Small Government, and given the absence of health inspectors you might also find it worthwhile to vertically integrate your rat-catching / restaurant enterprise with plague corpse disposal, coffin making, and funeral services companies.

  7. Haruspex

  8. haruspex

    Since science and education would become expensive and totally devoted to refining the luxury of the wealthy few, everybody else will need some other way to get weather predictions, medical advice, and relationship counseling. The solution is obvious – Haruspicy! It requires no special skills (other than bullshitting), and all you need is a supply of cheap animals in order to disembowel them and read their entrails – which you could then sell to an unregulated restauranteur and recoup much of your expense. You don’t have to worry about sanitation, animal cruelty laws, or being charged with fraud in the Libertarian Paradise.

  9. Orphanage director / pimp

    Walrus and the Carpenter

    Although the Libertarian Paradise would reject socialist forms of assistance to the needy, nothing would stop individuals from providing it, and in some cases this can be made profitable. For instance, there would be many homeless orphans who would otherwise resort to thievery without a structured environment, food, and shelter. Granted, thievery gives rise to some level of business – i.e., fences – but it also imposes costs on Big Business that cannot be tolerated.

    Without police, and being too petty in nature to lead to bounties, we must deal with such thieving proactively with orphanages that teach a good work ethic by providing a highly-demanded service. If owners/operators of commercial orphanages are able to make a profit by selling their children as sex slaves, there would be more market incentive to care for orphans. So, you could kill two birds with one stone, both dealing with a humanitarian problem and upholding the values of capitalism. Take that, bleeding-hearts!

  10. Cemetery / landfill scavenger

    scavenging1

    In the bustling world of the Libertarian Paradise, a hard-working fellow like yourself could make a living scavenging the metal from bullet-riddled corpses for resale as scrap. With all the gunslingers and bounty hunters around, the supply would be unlikely to dry up any time soon. There are, of course, also gold fillings, rings, metal hip replacements, and various articles of jewelry or surgical implants that might be worth something. And just think of all the perfectly good food and resaleable material that gets thrown into landfills every day! Rather than socialist recycling programs, why not reward enterprising people by encouraging them to rummage through the garbage of their betters?

  11. Faith healer

    Faith healer

    For the same reasons already stated above, people will be in sore need of medical services – or at least what they believe to be medical services, thanks to the eradication of socialist schooling. Faith healing is the perfect business model: If they eventually recover (doesn’t matter how long it takes), their faith in you is affirmed, and they may lavish you with money and free word-of-mouth advertising. If they die, then the Lord has heard their family’s prayers and graciously accepted the patient into His Kingdom thanks, in part, to your intercession. You really can’t lose, especially in Libertarian Paradise.

Addendum: Integrated Case

Idiocracy Costco

For the most enterprising of visionaries, you could create a multi-service, full-spectrum business where most of the above services are provided in an integrated fashion. As a plague victim disposer, you would routinely come upon the orphaned children of the dead and could bring them to your orphanage. Among the children’s duties as employees/wards, they would catch the animals both for your restaurant and your haruspex business, scavenge the cemeteries and landfills for money and valuable items, make coffins and other wares for sale, and serve in other profitable capacities as you see fit. In this way, you best affirm the true meaning of liberty, and the heart of Libertarianism: Making other people work for you.

09.24.10

Oh, wow

Posted in Bad web design, Web design, Wordpress at 2:47 pm by angela

I widened the main column of this page. What a huge pain it was indeed.

The simple part was widening the columns themselves, though if you’re not used to CSS you might not find it simple. The hard part was modifying all the complex background images, which is what give a theme togetherness.

No more video riding over the sidebar. Nope, no more. Hate those narrow frickin columns.

Want your self-hosted wordpress blog theme edited to give you room for proper videos? Drop me a line.

Contract on America 2.0: In their own words

Posted in Accountability, Contract on America 2.0, Republican party at 1:18 pm by angela

Jon Stewart blows away GOP’s Pledge to America!

Awesome research by the Daily Show staff in exposing just how the GOP’s “new” Pledge to America is nothing but retreads from years past.  Excellent research digging up a speech from Boehner in 1998 where he said the exact same words he said yesterday.

By BruinKid of DailyKos

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … a smaller …

BOEHNER (3/3/1998): … a smaller …

BOEHNER (9/23/2010): … less costly …

BOEHNER (3/3/1998): … less costly …

BOEHNER (9/23/2010): … and more accountable …

BOEHNER (3/3/1998): … and more accountable …

BOEHNER (9/23/2010 AND 3/3/1998): … government in our nation’s capitol.

….

So two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her. … And you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, “Baby, I know you love me.  But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to f*ck your sister every chance I get.

Update: Oh, almost forgot.  Since school’s started up again for us, I won’t be able to post these diaries at this time anymore; my sleep schedule’s gonna change quite a bit.  Over the summer, I tried to get these posted almost as soon as the videos were put up online by Comedy Central.  I can’t do that anymore, and I’ll be on campus during the daytime, so what would you guys prefer I do?  I’ve added a poll to see what time suits the community the best, where you’d see the diary before it disappears.  (And yes, these diaries take up enough time and effort to get everything correct, that I don’t want to do it, only to have only 2 or 3 people notice it before it falls away.)

A year and a half ago, the Republican Party was reeling, still picking shrapnel out from a can of whoop-ass that had been opened up on them in the 2008 elections.  It was time for some self-reflection.

REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (4/30/2009): There’s no question it’s been a challenging time for the GOP.

REP. ZACH WAMP, R-TN (3/25/2009): It’s time for new faces, new leadership, to lead our party.

REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (4/30/2009): … we’re bringing new ideas …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (11/23/2008): You’ll see a lot of effort on our part to be the party of new ideas.

New ideas, everything is on the table.  Uh, spitballing here, how about something like this?  We got a black guy too!  You know, just spitballing here.

So the search for new ideas began in Northern Virginia, in a well-respected think tank/pizza place called Pie-Tanza‘s.  Of course, Pie for pizza pie, and Tanza for owner Tony Tanza.

But that was just the start.  The Republicans held town hall meetings.  They spoke to their constituents.  They took donors to Hollywood lesbian bondage clubs.  They even started their own website.

REP. JOE BARTON, R-TX (8/19/2010): AmericaSpeakingOut.com, that’s a website that the Republicans are using in the House of Representatives to try to get your ideas.

But seriously, they had nothing.  They had nothing.  They were completely out of ideas.  Well now, it’s nearly two years later, crucial midterm elections around the corner, and House Republicans poised with a real chance to win huge.  So they’re ready to unveil the fruits of their labor.  I give you, the 2010 Republican Pledge to Pie-Tanza… I mean, America.  Enjoy.

9/23/2010:

REP. MARSHA BLACKBURN, R-TN: We pledge to honor our families, traditional marriage, and life.

REP. BILL CASSIDY, R-LA: … real tort reform …

REP. SHELLEY MOORE CAPITO, R-WV: … don’t spend more than you take in …

REP. JEB HENSARLING, R-TX: … stop out of control spending …

REP. MAC THORNBERRY, R-TX: Support our troops, fight the terrorists, stand by our friends, and protect our citizens.

Whoa!  Who are these fresh faced young guns and their bold new ideas… wait a minute!  That’s the same shit we heard before!  I think your fresh new ideas… if I’m not mistaken, your fresh new ideas sound slightly like, I’m sorry, did I say slightly?  Exactly like your old ideas.

REP. PETER ROSKAM, R-IL (9/23/2010): … rein in the Washington, D.C., red tape …

REP. DENNIS HASTERT, R-IL (1/3/2001): … cut Washington red tape …

REP. JEB HENSARLING, R-TX (9/23/2010): … act immediately to reduce spending …

REP. NEWT GINGRICH, R-GA (6/5/1998): … have real reforms to reduce spending …

REP. JASON CHAFFETZ, R-UT (9/23/2010): … change the way we do business in Washington …

REP. JIM NUSSLE, R-IA (11/19/1994): … change business as usual in Washington …

REP. PETER ROSKAM, R-IL (9/23/2010): … make the tax cuts permanent …

REP. DICK ARMEY, R-TX (9/15/2002): … make the existing tax cuts permanent …

REP. BILL CASSIDY, R-LA (9/23/2010): … health savings accounts that puts the patient firmly in control …

REP. DENNIS HASTERT, R-IL (8/30/2004): … health savings accounts, which will give families more control …

REP. JEB HENSARLING, R-TX (9/23/2010): … reduce the size of our government …

REP. NEWT GINGRICH, R-GA (9/18/1998): … reducing the size of government …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … a smaller …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (3/3/1998): … a smaller …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … less costly …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (3/3/1998): … less costly …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … and more accountable …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (3/3/1998): … and more accountable …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010 AND 3/3/1998): … government in our nation’s capitol.

(wild audience applause)

(Jon making motorboating sound)

Wow!  I don’t even know what to say!  This thing’s not even a sequel, it’s like a shot-by-shot remake!  I thought the Pledge was you were humbled, and you were gonna come back with fresh new ideas.  Wasn’t that the Pledge?

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): On the point we make in this preamble to our pledge, is that we are not going to be any different than what we’ve been.

I believe that is a promise you can keep.  So two years ago, just to get this straight, two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her.  And so you disappear, do some soul-searching, get your head together, and you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, “Baby, I know you love me.  But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to fuck your sister every chance I get.  It’s who I am, baby!  It’s who I am!  Now, make up your mind, because I’m not going to ask you twice!

You may also want to see Jon Stewart pick apart Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s dickishness, as well his excellent interview with King Abdullah II of Jordan (extended version here) on the prospects of Middle East peace.

And Stephen concluded his work as a migrant farmer to hilarious extremes, as well as hitting back at Fox & Friends for criticizing him for testifying before Congress today on behalf of the migrant farm workers.