09.24.10

Contract on America 2.0: In their own words

Posted in Accountability, Contract on America 2.0, Republican party at 1:18 pm by angela

Jon Stewart blows away GOP’s Pledge to America!

Awesome research by the Daily Show staff in exposing just how the GOP’s “new” Pledge to America is nothing but retreads from years past.  Excellent research digging up a speech from Boehner in 1998 where he said the exact same words he said yesterday.

By BruinKid of DailyKos

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … a smaller …

BOEHNER (3/3/1998): … a smaller …

BOEHNER (9/23/2010): … less costly …

BOEHNER (3/3/1998): … less costly …

BOEHNER (9/23/2010): … and more accountable …

BOEHNER (3/3/1998): … and more accountable …

BOEHNER (9/23/2010 AND 3/3/1998): … government in our nation’s capitol.

….

So two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her. … And you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, “Baby, I know you love me.  But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to f*ck your sister every chance I get.

Update: Oh, almost forgot.  Since school’s started up again for us, I won’t be able to post these diaries at this time anymore; my sleep schedule’s gonna change quite a bit.  Over the summer, I tried to get these posted almost as soon as the videos were put up online by Comedy Central.  I can’t do that anymore, and I’ll be on campus during the daytime, so what would you guys prefer I do?  I’ve added a poll to see what time suits the community the best, where you’d see the diary before it disappears.  (And yes, these diaries take up enough time and effort to get everything correct, that I don’t want to do it, only to have only 2 or 3 people notice it before it falls away.)

A year and a half ago, the Republican Party was reeling, still picking shrapnel out from a can of whoop-ass that had been opened up on them in the 2008 elections.  It was time for some self-reflection.

REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (4/30/2009): There’s no question it’s been a challenging time for the GOP.

REP. ZACH WAMP, R-TN (3/25/2009): It’s time for new faces, new leadership, to lead our party.

REP. MIKE PENCE, R-IN (4/30/2009): … we’re bringing new ideas …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (11/23/2008): You’ll see a lot of effort on our part to be the party of new ideas.

New ideas, everything is on the table.  Uh, spitballing here, how about something like this?  We got a black guy too!  You know, just spitballing here.

So the search for new ideas began in Northern Virginia, in a well-respected think tank/pizza place called Pie-Tanza‘s.  Of course, Pie for pizza pie, and Tanza for owner Tony Tanza.

But that was just the start.  The Republicans held town hall meetings.  They spoke to their constituents.  They took donors to Hollywood lesbian bondage clubs.  They even started their own website.

REP. JOE BARTON, R-TX (8/19/2010): AmericaSpeakingOut.com, that’s a website that the Republicans are using in the House of Representatives to try to get your ideas.

But seriously, they had nothing.  They had nothing.  They were completely out of ideas.  Well now, it’s nearly two years later, crucial midterm elections around the corner, and House Republicans poised with a real chance to win huge.  So they’re ready to unveil the fruits of their labor.  I give you, the 2010 Republican Pledge to Pie-Tanza… I mean, America.  Enjoy.

9/23/2010:

REP. MARSHA BLACKBURN, R-TN: We pledge to honor our families, traditional marriage, and life.

REP. BILL CASSIDY, R-LA: … real tort reform …

REP. SHELLEY MOORE CAPITO, R-WV: … don’t spend more than you take in …

REP. JEB HENSARLING, R-TX: … stop out of control spending …

REP. MAC THORNBERRY, R-TX: Support our troops, fight the terrorists, stand by our friends, and protect our citizens.

Whoa!  Who are these fresh faced young guns and their bold new ideas… wait a minute!  That’s the same shit we heard before!  I think your fresh new ideas… if I’m not mistaken, your fresh new ideas sound slightly like, I’m sorry, did I say slightly?  Exactly like your old ideas.

REP. PETER ROSKAM, R-IL (9/23/2010): … rein in the Washington, D.C., red tape …

REP. DENNIS HASTERT, R-IL (1/3/2001): … cut Washington red tape …

REP. JEB HENSARLING, R-TX (9/23/2010): … act immediately to reduce spending …

REP. NEWT GINGRICH, R-GA (6/5/1998): … have real reforms to reduce spending …

REP. JASON CHAFFETZ, R-UT (9/23/2010): … change the way we do business in Washington …

REP. JIM NUSSLE, R-IA (11/19/1994): … change business as usual in Washington …

REP. PETER ROSKAM, R-IL (9/23/2010): … make the tax cuts permanent …

REP. DICK ARMEY, R-TX (9/15/2002): … make the existing tax cuts permanent …

REP. BILL CASSIDY, R-LA (9/23/2010): … health savings accounts that puts the patient firmly in control …

REP. DENNIS HASTERT, R-IL (8/30/2004): … health savings accounts, which will give families more control …

REP. JEB HENSARLING, R-TX (9/23/2010): … reduce the size of our government …

REP. NEWT GINGRICH, R-GA (9/18/1998): … reducing the size of government …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … a smaller …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (3/3/1998): … a smaller …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … less costly …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (3/3/1998): … less costly …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): … and more accountable …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (3/3/1998): … and more accountable …

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010 AND 3/3/1998): … government in our nation’s capitol.

(wild audience applause)

(Jon making motorboating sound)

Wow!  I don’t even know what to say!  This thing’s not even a sequel, it’s like a shot-by-shot remake!  I thought the Pledge was you were humbled, and you were gonna come back with fresh new ideas.  Wasn’t that the Pledge?

REP. JOHN BOEHNER, R-OH (9/23/2010): On the point we make in this preamble to our pledge, is that we are not going to be any different than what we’ve been.

I believe that is a promise you can keep.  So two years ago, just to get this straight, two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her.  And so you disappear, do some soul-searching, get your head together, and you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, “Baby, I know you love me.  But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to fuck your sister every chance I get.  It’s who I am, baby!  It’s who I am!  Now, make up your mind, because I’m not going to ask you twice!

You may also want to see Jon Stewart pick apart Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s dickishness, as well his excellent interview with King Abdullah II of Jordan (extended version here) on the prospects of Middle East peace.

And Stephen concluded his work as a migrant farmer to hilarious extremes, as well as hitting back at Fox & Friends for criticizing him for testifying before Congress today on behalf of the migrant farm workers.