Notice
The Gold Star Academy of Discipline is now abusing students like you daily!
04.18.09
100 Unintentionally Hilarious Spam Subject Lines
We all know they often just try to use random words and phrases to get people to open some of those emails. But sometimes it goes horribly, horribly wrong.
This guy apparently has been saving up the worst examples for years.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!04.13.09
How to become a porn star
Watch as Brenda arrives in town, all set to become a porn star. Hilarious!
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!04.07.09
Dumb email update
I guess I haven’t received too many stupendously dumb emails in a while. For this one it was necessary to bring back this feature.
From: Dumb customer
Subject: GUIDED MASTURBATION
Date: 4/6/2009 3:55 PMPrincipal Quattrano,
I have received a letter from your office instructing me to be at your office this afternoon. The letter says that I must email you & confirm our appointment. I am doing that now! In the letter I am told you will be completing my detention and I will be required to MASTURBATE for you following your STROKING directions. I am to stand in front of you and JACK OFF for you into a bowl and then rub my CUMMM all over your tits. Permission to report for appointment???
Dumb Customer – FYI I measure 11 inches by 4 inches, with a bulging cock head! What do U say???
Obviously he doesn’t read, thinking his cock speaks louder than words. Therefore he (like so many males) thinks that if they say they have a large cock, a woman, even a dominant woman like me, will be really, really impressed. And, like, want to speak with him on the phone very badly, as if having a big, hard cock improves a male’s communication skills.
What part of ‘dominate’ do you not understand, dumb customer?
To: Dumb Customer
Subject: Re: GUIDED MASTURBATION
Date: 4/6/2009 6:15 PMYou misread the message. You are to report to the Office of the School Nurse for castration immediately.
The Principal
From: Dumb Customer
Subject: Re: GUIDED MASTURBATION
Date: 4/6/2009 7:04 PMPrincipal Quatranno,
Begging to report to your office 1st & MASTURBATE TO YOUR PLEASURE in hopes that I may not be sent to the Nurse! I will perform to your specifications!!! Please let me have 1 chance to be your weekly JACK OFF BOY! If it’s not to your liking, you can always send me to the nurse! I will obey all your stroking instructions!!! If it pleases you I would love to worship any part or parts of you while I JACK OFF for you! Please let me know!
Respectfully,Your JACK OFF BOY,
Dumb Customer
To: Dumb Customer
Subject: Re: GUIDED MASTURBATION
Date: 4/6/2009 7:09 PMVery well. It is clear you will not be able to function properly until you are drained. Report to My office immediately.
The Principal
Did I expect him to call? No, the only time he has ever called me was a year and a half ago for 3 minutes. But it was fun playing with him. And writing him up over it, too. There is no shortage of boys out there who appear to be eager to serve as bad examples.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!03.30.09
Bad boy needed a spanking
He knew he’d been a bad boy, too. He had cheated on his girlfriend.
He was into pain, a real pain slut, and he knew that his soul could only be cleansed by a good whooping.
Most of the guys who call me are looking for roleplay, not reality. But if they are looking for it, who am I to deny it? Besides, those moans are so satisfying.
His implement of choice was a barbecue spatula with sharpish edges. He struck himself enthusiastically on command, and the pain was accompanied by moans or screams. I asked if he had ever wetted down his skin before striking himself before, and as he had not, I sent him to get himself a wet sponge.
That worked out so well that he broke the spatula. I guess he’ll be buying a new one for the next spanking.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!03.28.09
The key to recovery
is phone sex.
Yes, indeed. The fact is, we all look around us helplessly, uncomprehending the enormity of the economic cataclysm we see ourselves in, and we ask, “What can I do? What meaningful sacrifice can I make?”
All I can do is to quote a bit from Lily Tomlin, but completely out of context.
The answer is so simple I am surprised even you did not think of it.
The answer is phone sex. Spending money on phone sex puts it right into the hands of other workers like yourself, who will spend it at retail establishments, resulting in more employment and more Americans with disposable income. People will buy houses and durable goods, the stock market will rise.
You should in fact spend more on phone sex now, as much as you can possibly afford. Phone sex is the glue that will bind us together as a nation in a new prosperity.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!03.20.09
Why we work to control you boys
This was brought to my attention by our very own School Nurse Svetlana, who is so diligent about finding us more reasons to control and dominate you, for your own good, of course.
The fact is that you boys have proven over and over again that you are simply not capable of acting in a responsible manner. That’s why they have sent you to us in the first place, of course. But you work so hard to keep us from forgetting and actually thinking you might be making progress.
To put it simply, you have proven you are not capable of using your penis responsibly, and we can never permit you to exercise any control over it again.
The unfortunate fact is that males are intellectually lower on the evolutionary ladder than females. They serve the purpose of being drones. They are sperm donors, inferior, and can only amount to anything when they acknowledge female superiority and accede to control by us and other dominant women like us.
While not all females are superior to all males, the fact is that certain males seem to have been put on this planet to serve as bad examples for all. He really is inferior to females of just about every species.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!03.18.09
A few fetishes
The article calls them “ridiculous” fetishes, but people who work for Cracked don’t seem to have any understanding of what fetishes are about. They are so vanilla they probably don’t even get what people like about chocolate ice cream.
Just enjoy, and if you enjoy it too much, give me a call. I am available for counseling sessions to help you work through your issues. Or maybe I will just seize on the opportunity to use them to control and manipulate you.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!03.16.09
Hitler finds out he is gay
I had no idea there is an entire genre of videos on YouTube based on recaptioning this scene.
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!01.28.09
Avoiding the issue
As far as males go, you just have to crack a whip over their heads to keep them honest.
At least that’s what it seems like when reading this story. Apparently employees at the National Science Foundation were too busy viewing porn, doing cam-2-cam shows and everything else else adult entertainment to do any real work. So many clichés come to mind, from “foxes running the henhouse” to “your tax dollars at work”.
It appears that a number of studies were done, but not much came of it besides some internet filters. Wasn’t anybody fired? Why weren’t they sent to the Gold Star Academy of Discipline? That’s the real fix for this situation.
We could even straighten out the SEC. Ask your employer if there’s a program that’s right for you today!
Yes, you can call me now!
Call me now!01.23.09
Losing touch with reality
My own mom used to say that she felt obscenity should be illegal—it is, kind of, though the concept is poorly defined—but what she meant when she said “obscenity” was “profanity”. Especially she felt that things like bumper stickers should be pristine, that things like “Shit Happens” should be forbidden.
She’d love this guy. Well, maybe, maybe not. He sounds like a delusional pig to me. A South Carolina legislator who wants to prosecute people who use bad words. I think he’d be over the line even for her. I mean, vulgarity? Imagine making it a felony to have bad manners…
Yes, you can call me now!
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