I never put much thought into the possibility that much of the “femdom” literature – especially the “how-to” stuff – might be the product of the minds of male submissives, but yes, it makes a lot of sense.

In fact, I was once approached by a guy who was looking for a front woman to help him start an internet business selling training manuals to women who wanted to turn their husbands into obedient submissives. Nothing ever came of it, at least partly thanks to the fact that he seemed to have forgotten within a couple of months. I guess he had moved on to the next fantasy.

Anyone who’s read much of what I write is familiar with the fact that I don’t like to be told what to like and what to want. After years of bombardment by would-be online subs (Oh, noez! Do not want!), I’ve finally found someone else who feels like I do. In other words, we are not all the same. Every dominant woman does not want the same things, and does not fit in the same cookie cutter mold, any more than every vanilla woman wants the exact same things.

But I don’t think I can get away from classifying submissives in my own mind into “real” subs and “the other kind”. I’m not going to tell somebody else what to be, but if they cannot accept that I am a unique human being with my own needs and desires, then as far as I’m concerned, they’re just looking for interactive porn.

Especially if they want me to provide that standardized menu of services for free. That’s just living in a fantasy.

Move along. Nothing for you here.

©2012 The Principal at Work. All Rights Reserved.

No. I will not meet you. I do not meet customers. I don’t care how nice you think you are. The more often you tell me you are nice, the happier I am that you think I live more than a thousand miles from where I do. I don’t care how deeply in love with me you say you are. It doesn’t matter how often you ask me. I will not meet you.

I don’t marry customers. I won’t marry you. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last loser…er…man on earth. The fact that you call me as obsessively as you do disqualifies you from any consideration in addition to the rules above. You are a loser. L*O*S*E*R. Loser. A loser who not only has to pay women to speak with him, but is willing to pay thousands a week on phone sex to do it. I wouldn’t give you the time of day, and I definitely wouldn’t talk to you or listen to your whiny voice or your wounded animal noises if you weren’t paying me by the minute.

I also am not a pro domme. I don’t meet customers for sessions. The fact that I’m not a pro domme in no way means that I’m willing to meet you for a free session of any sort. Nor do I do free sessions in chat. And I won’t call you at home to give you a free phone session, either.

I do not have a stable of personal slaves that has unlimited openings. I do not support slaves. I am not currently recruiting personal slaves through a phone sex line. I do not expect that to change.

You are paying me to listen to you speak and tell you exactly what you want to hear. I’m good at it. Get with the program.

I would like to thank my valued customers for keeping it sane. If you’re reading this and pondering, you are undoubtedly not one of the aforementioned loser types.

©2012 The Principal at Work. All Rights Reserved.

This entry is based on Identification of the Adult Entertainment Industry as a Social Taboo is a Social Construct — Thursday, March 15, 2007

Read it. Think. Then read this.

A basic point missed is that the subjugation, etc. of (female) sex workers is not merely done by men. Women who are not sex workers probably do this even more than men. Men who use the services of sex workers have a variety of attitudes toward them. Most respect them, understanding that they serve a need. I have never run into the attitude that my customers would be happier if I were poor and desperate. They are glad that I am earning a good living, so I can continue to provide them with services.

The attitude is different in the general public, and differences within vary mostly by degrees.

Women and men both project their sexual fears and anxieties on female sex workers — and this is a society with many sexual fears. They feel sex is dirty. They villify female sex workers and scapegoat them in an effort to feel cleansed themselves.

If there was no demand, obviously we would all voluntarily find another line of business. Society’s disapproval of our profession is based on the fanciful notion that supply determines demand, that if supply were to be cut off, demand would go away. Society at large is unable to face the fact that their own are voluntarily purchasing our services. It must be something evil that we have done to suck them in. This is not normal. Sex is not one of OUR family values. Good men are chaste, aside from when they are with their wives, and forever if their wives decide they are no longer interested.

All of which, biologically speaking, is bullshit.

Remember Mom’s motherly advice to her daughter. Sex is dirty and disgusting. Save it for someone you love. Women would only do something so degrading if they were forced to do it. But even if they were forced, it’s their own fault. No self-respecting woman would do such a thing. She would do absolutely anything to avoid it — live on the street, stay married to a man who beats her, even work at Walmart, which pays so little she would qualify for food stamps and other social services.

But here we are, not only not dead in the gutter — as we would be in a “fair” world where THEIR rules are actually applicable — but doing quite well both economically and emotionally. It is a slap in the face to those who already are having trouble reconciling their values with reality, and finding a poor fit.

Therefore, anything bad that happens to female sex workers is perfectly all right. It’s acceptable in the eyes of people who feel this way to pass laws that make our lives unsafe and to cause our lives to be less safe if they selectively fail to enforce the ones that exist.

There is the dangerous attitude among many men that they deserve sex from whatever woman they want it from. They feel it is an injustice whenever a woman might reject them. They feel that the sex worker has chosen the work (and these are people who feel that choosing one form of sex work is the same as choosing them all) and they feel no inhibition whatever when it comes to acting on these feelings. It is these men who are dangerous to women sex workers, and this attitude in general that threatens women in the industry.

Some men who use the services of sex workers are unable to perceive boundaries. Like the guys who call a phone sex operator looking for a domme, or an escort, or gfe, they think that the fact that a woman has chosen one form of sex work means she has chosen all types. Or they think that we really don’t want to be here, and we’re just trolling for a husband. Guys like this probably have issues with boundaries for women in other sorts of relationships, too. Since I know so few of them – in comparison to the apparently normal guys I’ve met in the business – I think that they are atypical and not representative of customers at large. When I say this, I am not saying that the attitude is atypical, but that it is atypical among true paying customers.

It is men who pay for sexual services who truly respect women.

Prostitution and Sex Work

This topic is a difficult one that lies at the crossroads of feminism, morals, pleasure, gender inequality, exploitation and male violence. The difficulty in discussing it is compounded by the large degree of diversity and stratification of experiences within prostitution: from straight and gay prostitutes on the street to elite escort services. The range of experiences increases again if we explore sex work, which takes into account exotic dancing, the adult movie industry and an increasing number of people who run an adult-oriented website that features themselves. Further, the level of exploitation in sex work should be compared and contrasted with a variety of exploitative, meaningless and alienating work produced by a technologically advanced, consumption oriented capitalist society. The question is thus not whether sex work is exploitative, but how does it compare with being a waitress, working in a factory or a McDonalds – perhaps even a graduate assistant?

MORE

1996 interview with Carol Leigh, sex worker and activist

Feminist Perspectives on Sex Markets

Another Perspective

Prostitution is not “sex work;” it is violence against women. It exists because significant numbers of men are given social, moral and legal permission to buy women on demand. It exists because pimps and traffickers prey on women’s poverty and inequality. It exists because it is a last ditch survival strategy, not a choice, for millions of the world’s women.

MORE

How Pornography is Inherently Damaging to Women

This is long and boring. I’ll give you a brief summary. Pornography is always damaging because the customer is not seeking to relate to the sex worker as a whole person. He only seeks a part of her, her “image”. But it’s not just simply damaging, it is “violent”. Hmm… I’m trying to think of the last time I interacted with anyone out there, seeking the whole person. I don’t want to bring home the clerks at the corner store or the guy who pumps my gas. I want them to stay on their side of the divide. Is that violent of me?

Read more, if you dare

Bayswan – Bay Area Sex Workers Advocacy Network.

Letter to “Office to Combat and Monitor Trafficking in Persons” challenging information in “The Link Between Prostitution and Sex Trafficking”

©2012 The Principal at Work. All Rights Reserved.